Connectedness

Connecting with teens can be as simple as being an ally.

*Painting by Eduardo Bolioli*

A questionnaire went out to all the students in my kid's high school, and one of the questions administrators wanted to know was “Do you feel connected to at least one adult on campus?”

The stats on that particular question were not great, and they directly relate to everything from mental and emotional wellness to attendance. There are measurable positives that come with connectedness - a sense of place, a reason to be there, a feeling of belonging - and yet our current culture of fear has attached so much stigma to the idea of connections with teens that I bet some small voice in your head wondered about the potential for abuse.

If that voice was in your head, imagine what it’s like for teachers and administrators who face daily complaints by angry parents about everything from too much homework to unfair coaches. Of course there have been inappropriate relationships between teens and adults, but those rare instances have become such monsters under the bed that schools are afraid to foster the kind of connections that can literally save kids’ lives.

I am in the process of proposing a program of Intentional Inclusion for my kid’s high school - a two part strategy designed to educate the adults on campus in the things the kids need them to know, and to foster a willingness in the adults to be a resource for those kids.

Part one - ask the kids what they wish adults knew / cared about / were sensitive to. Have a series of student-led focus groups to find out what matters to the kids. What are the issues they’re facing, and how they want adults to interact with them.

Part two - design a staff development program of panels led by local experts in those areas of concern. Race, gender, sexuality, hidden disabilities, income inequality, politics, guns, safety, bullying, the environment, drugs and drinking, social pressure and mental health - nothing is off the table when it comes to training the adults in the issues that matter to the kids.

Then give the adults agency to self-select areas that matter to them. Want to know more about neurodivergence? Here are some resources for you to explore. Want to understand gender spectrums? PFLAG has counselors who will come to your school and teach you. Feel like you don’t know enough about hidden disabilities? Here are examples of ways we can all be better allies.

And maybe that’s just it - being connected to a kid can look like being an ally. Allyship is really just standing up for them to be themselves, and accepting that they are who they say they are. We don’t have to agree, we don’t even have to really understand, we just have to back them up.

Some kids know who they are when they’re very young, and just become more that person, others spend their pre-teens and teenage years trying to figure themselves out. When we have their backs as they become who they are, we’re saying that we trust them, we believe them, we’ll protect and educate them, and we’re their community.

A school is an unintentional community, and sometimes, so is a family, but allyship is on purpose. It’s saying “I’ve got you, whoever you are.”