The Kids are Watching

They will take their cues from us on this election too.

Whatever your feelings are about the results of this election (I’ve been vaguely ill all week, with a mood hovering somewhere at about knee-height), our kids need us to keep our catastrophizing and despair to ourselves as much as possible. They are looking at us for cues, and how we respond in the coming days and weeks is a vital component to their own coping skills.

Do I want to curl up under the covers and clutch my knees? Yes I do. Will I give in to that impulse? Not where my kids can see me.

In a crisis, effective leaders stay calm, present clear directions and actions, and generally do not give in to the emotions of the moment until after the crisis has passed. We are the leaders in kids’ lives. We are the people they look to for advice, for direction, and for emotional support. If we’re melting down, we aren’t a safe and strong place for them to find support for their own feelings of uncertainty and fear.

I taught a high school class the day after the election, and I deliberately wore my ally shirt. A lot of the kids seemed to move through their day as if nothing earth-shattering had happened the night before, and maybe to them, the election was such an abstract concept that nothing really had. But a few of them were extra quiet. A few weren’t making eye contact, and my heart – already battered – was stricken for them. Some were LGBTQ+, some were girls, and all are using the tools they have to get through their day.

I refuse to imagine what comes next, and I can’t predict the ripple effects of anything right now. I give myself permission to be angry, to be disappointed, and to be sad, but not to indulge in anger, disappointment, and despair where my kids can catch my feelings. They know what I stand for, how I voted, and how much this election hurts, but for them, I have to keep focusing on the joys in our lives.

I had a meeting that night with a group of PTSA parents concerned with maintaining and expanding our kids’ access to mental wellness services in our district, and the timing couldn’t have been better. I talked about what I’d seen that day in the high school, where Harris won their mock election by a wide margin, and we discussed Social/Emotional Learning (SEL) programs that could be layered into the kids’ educational model the same way history lessons are – a shallow overview of the topic in elementary school, a little deeper and more specific in middle school, and a deep, focused dive in high school. None of our school-aged kids came through COVID shutdowns unscathed, and SEL training for both teachers and students can help address communication around the anxieties that a year of isolation brought. Re-learning collaboration skills, and how to ask questions without fear of judgement are just as vital to a child’s education as math and reading are.

The mental wellness programs in our district are coming under fire again by the small, loud group of people who believe that counselors encourage kids to hide their identities and sexuality from their parents, and that the money could be better spent on more security officers (it’s a correlation that remains baffling to me). Meanwhile, The Trevor Project reported a 700% increase in crisis calls from LGBTQ+ youth within two days of the election. I will be at that board meeting, armed with facts and showing up so that the supporters of mental wellness programs have back up, the student leaders see me as an ally, and my own kids know I’ll take a stand.

Whether our kids are female or not, immigrants or not, LGBTQ+ or not, or Black or brown or not, they know someone who is, and how we respond to this election will find its way into their experiences of us as trustworthy, as allies when someone is marginalized, as defenders, as safe, and as people who can be counted on to be calm leaders in a crisis. So I will continue to wear my ally shirt on campus, and to change out the plain black lanyard on my sub badge with a rainbow one, to remind high school kids to use a capital “B” when they write about a Black character, and to respect names and ask pronouns. One of my primary jobs as a parent is to keep my kids safe and secure, and raging or despairing out loud where my kids can feel and catch my anger or fear, while it might echo what they feel, does not comfort them. And just as we sought in this election, our kids need the kind of dependable security from us that comes from calm, cool leadership which has their backs no matter what.